Category Archives: riesige palmen

de politicus

In het kader van de door de commissie vastgestelde richtlijnen ter bevordering en herziene integratie omtrent de ontwikkelingen aangaande hetgeen geconstateerd waaruit blijkt dat enkele onderdelen de richting van een nieuwe beweging in gang te het zetten zijn, zal er door de aanverwante onderwerpen bedachtzaam worden gehandeld om tot een hoedanigheid te komen van samenkomst en bevordering van de mogelijkheden welke passend zijn voor een afgekaderd ontwerp aangaande de verruiming en verbreding aan de hand constateringen die invloed uitoefenen op het op een pragmatische wijze opgebouwde verruimde set van definities.

Waar een obstructie rondom aanstaande conjunctuur op basis van verspreiding zal ontstaan in het geval van voorafgaande kennisgeving verrijkt met weerklank vanuit de maatschappij zal worden beoogd dat dergelijke praktijken in een bepaald termijn een weg tot geriefelijk brengen van haar uiteenzettingen zodoende het open debat te stimuleren waarbij gelet op diversiteit een helder omschreven principe handvest zal worden uitgeschreven om volgens dergelijke aanpak de behoorlijke integratie van pluriformiteit te vatten in te nemen stappen.

Kort samengevat zet de brede gemeenschap zich in voor het klaarmaken van een gedegen afweging waarin is te herkennen dat zorgvuldigheid in eerder genoemde situaties een plaats heeft door een brede beleg inzake de afspiegelingen en groeperingen die zijn betrokken bij onderwerpen met een raakvlak in de praktijk van de dagelijkse omstandigheden, een die diepgaand kijkt naar de impact, de mate van optreden, de bereidheid van partijen om op verschillende factoren te verstane maatregelen te nemen, de vorming rondom een nationaal gestandaardiseerd beleid conform de algemeen relevante regelgeving, met uiteindelijk resultaat tot op een doel te stevenen waar bereidheid en saamhorigheid de boventoon voert.

Door deze structuur te bieden wordt een eenheid gevormd waartoe de baten worden verdeeld over samenspellen.

Meer vogon poetry binnenkort in de reacties: de politicus sluimert zacht. Voel u vrij om soortgelijke vormen van uitingen achter te laten op deze pagina.

Protip: door het toevoegen van een onderwerp zoals “security”, “kinderopvang”, “politie” of “automatisering” kunt u de speech een wendig geven die u belieft. 

The Twelve Labours to get anything done in Sharepoint

What we’re waiting for

Sharepoints’ capabilities do not make sense looking at the timeline of computing: Instead of making something that works like Windows 95, we have to think in some sort of twisted web-context: lists of lists for properties on properties in separate windows in separate windows.

We can do with a lot less and have a lot more functionality. It’s what we use everyday! WHY break every usability standard and roll your own? The human race does not need another 20 years of innovation to end up with something acceptable! We’re already here… Just start with what’s already been established and make it superb (simple and human) along the way.

Sharepoint, being the status quo in document management, clings on mediocrity. It’s driven from any perspective but to help the millions of daily users to strive for something greater than themselves. It holds back the hopes and dreams and make you do only the stupidest of actions which are glorified as innovation and progress. It’s not, it reeks like the communist system of eastern Germany that fell in 1989.

We need system that helps to get our worlds published, the system would work so great, you would not even know that it’s there. So we can focus on the more inspired parts of life and do only the things we find useful.

The state of today

Imagine if Facebook would open every click full-screen. Imagine that you cannot drag and drop files on your computer. Imagine that on Mondays and Wednesdays your mouse and keyboard are mirrored. Now imagine this altogether and you will experience how i experience Microsoft Sharepoint.

Sharepoint’s prime feature is that any trivial task is upgraded to divine pieces of work to be performed only by the highest of Gods. Where a normal puny human would only ask for a single-action to do something, Sharepoint will hand you its list of 12 labours in order to achieve your desired goal (and be somewhat purified along the way).

To make these 12 labours applicable in any situation is an art in itself. But Microsofts application designers got it down like a science: consistently resulting in the same 12 labours for every action imaginable. It took a while, but i finally reverse engineered these exact guidelines…

The Twelve Labours to get anything done in Sharepoint

  1. The task-to-complete does not make sense in your language, it has not been translated to anything you can relate to.
  2. The actions you need do not match general computing terms, it will have an arbitrary term that means something that is unknown to you while doing exactly the thing you want.
  3. To find the thing you need to do, you will have to consult external documentation. But do not buy the book as it will turn into something that will keep you warm.
  4. The first documentation you’ll find is in your native language and follows rule 1 and 2 closely, rendering them useless. The documentation will not contain visual examples. The documentation is lengthy and located at as few places as possible in case of downtime.
  5. After translating your action to the Sharepoint vocabulary (via some forum post), you’ll find a YouTube video made by some Egyptian guy explaining the thing you want to do in broken English. You’ll happily accept this and send him a friendly comment that he is the greatest.
  6. You realize that you’ve just wasted one hour of your life and you will never get it back.
  7. Now that you know what to do, you will follow the Egyptian’s instruction-video step by step hoping to God or whatever Holy Entity that you DO have the permissions to view the actions in the first place. Life’s a gamble, so is Sharepoints permission management.
  8. You will wonder if your Sharepoint version matches the one in the video. You will try to find out, but never find it.
  9. You’ll start screaming and shouting. Pausing your work and start writing blog posts like these to vent your frustration and share your anger with the rest of the world, making you look like a fool and a total loser that takes things to serious. (eventually, timespan undetermined) You get it together and continue.
  10. (Optionally) after mailing your service desk for more permissions that require verification of your manager, you’re finally able to finish the Egyptian’s tutorial and achieve the thing you wanted to do. It was like a clicking marathon, let’s hope you ticked all the right boxes…
  11. Now that you’re feeling accomplished, you want to share the fruit of your work with your dear colleagues, only to get a reply that they cannot see the thing you are so proud of: you forgot to authorize the target audience to see it.
  12. Trying to circumvent the previous 11 steps to find a shortcut, you’ll try to set the right “thingy” and will click anything for at least 20 minutes straight not fixing the thing you’re looking for and not knowing what you’re looking at. You start calling the paid support desk for consultation: the same Egyptian guy answers and he fixes your problems in two minutes using just the power of his mind making you feel great and somewhat uneasy.

 

  • Result: Your colleagues cheer, your work is great and everyone is happy.

Note: these 12 steps are designed to nest and stack, preferably over a multitude of people.

Please re-read the first section of this article and then close.

Microsoft(R) Silverlight(R) Logo(R) Aestetics(R)

Something(R) that(R) only(R) Microsoft can(R) do(R)TM; screw(R) up(R) aestetics(R) with(R) copyright(R) symbols(R)(C). Its(R) been(R) burning(R) my(R) eyes(R) since(R) the(R) Windows XP startup(R) screen(R)TM. Having(R) a(R) branding-flood(R)TM makes(R) a(R)design(R) look(R) poor(R) and(R) cheap(R); as(R) if(R) the(R) company(R) is(R) scared(R) and(R) will(R) sue(R) if(R) you(R) “Ever(R) Dare(R) To(R) Use(R) It(R) For(R) Something(R) Else(R)”(R)TM(C). Like(R) it(R) reduces(R) the(R) number(R) of(R) pirate(R) products(R). Its(R) the(R)  biggest(R) software(R) company(R) in(R) the(R) world(R), what(R) did(R) you(R) expect*(R)TM.

What(R) Apple(R) and(R) Google(R) omit(R), is(R) what(R) Microsoft makes(R) up(R) singlehandedly(R). Check(R) out(R) the(R) following(R) screenshots(R)TM.

(ps: the Silverlight logo switched from a TM to an (R).)

* = (C)(R)TM(P)

The end of bank transcripts in paper…

Last week I received a letter from my bank. It stated they will stop sending paper transaction transcripts. These receipts are sent out once a month and show all kinds of details on your money.

The contents of their letter is a notice extraordinaire. Not only do they stop sending me my beloved paper, they are also motivating it. Like I am wasting one of natures most valued resources.

And that is where things go wrong.

It’s time to dissect their notice, and give some feedback on the arguments stated.

Argument 1: 500.000 customers notified us that they didn’t need paper transcripts“.

I’ve got a hunch that this is the second time a letter like this is sent; 500.000 customers did not take action on receiving the first letter; their transaction were stopped automatically. Apparently they didn’t mind, but is that a notification to the bank?

Also: why should i care 500.000 other customers did this?

Argument 2: “ING wants to cut down the unnecessary use of paper, because we want to run our business responsibly“.

This is a clean-face, dirty hands argument. They are mistaking ‘unnecessary’ for ‘cost saving’. This has nothing to do with the environment. Some studies show that using paper requires more forestation. At least they are not using recycled paper.

Argument 3:a printout of transactions displayed on our website is valid in court.

That’s really nice, i don’t have to keep my paper records anymore for legal purposes. Very good for those who lost their paper transcripts. I’m not their target audience for this argument. I skip this one.

Argument 4: we work together with a nature preserving organization, please help us

For tax deduction/legal purposes, ING shoves some money to the side. They give it to a nature protection organization, so they can use it for marketing. Like the “postcode loterij”. At least they are not spending it on hookers and blow.

The meaning of their argument is not clear; are they are trying to make me feel guilty as I’m apparently not helping the environment. This is none of their business.

Argument 5: You can still choose to receive your beloved paper transcripts if you want it that much.

So after all hassling, convincing and emotions, it is possible to continue receiving my transcripts. I’m wondering if social pressure for falsely argumented environmental protection will ever convince me to stop choosing for paper transcripts. Hell, I’m just choosing paper transcripts because they send these types of letters (also on paper).

Argument 6:We provide a tutorial for letting you printing out your bank statements yourself

This is the last and most mind blowing argument. Instead of sending paper transcripts, you can now print them yourself. From your own printer, coming out of your own pocket! So ING has to do even less for its business. Back in the days, quality of service meant something. (aka; you would go under pulling stunts like this, today banks are immune)

Conclusion

ING is cheapskating; the 4 euro-a-year saved from not sending paper transcripts are not going back to the customer. Instead the customer is persuaded to not wanting to have the statements. Using nature as an excuse is silly.

We will not know what ING is doing for the environment; ING is for the larger part a black box. For maintaining a clean face, their letter fulfills its purpose. The environment is just an excuse for cost savings. The only banks that do care about the environemt are Triodos and ASN.

The letter is signed by Hans Hagenaars.

@Hans; better do something awesome for your customers now. Its not all business that makes the world go round. Better not fuck up how nice the Postbank used to be. We want a higher service level for less money. And ow yeah: treat us like humans.

Note: i’ll scan this piece of shit paper when possible. I guess nobody cares about these arguments.

RIESIGE PALMEN!

Gisteren zat ik eventjes door de mail van de zaak heen te bladeren; honderden nieuwe mailtjes. Allemaal spam. Mijn favoriete spam komt van een duitse productenleverancier. Hij levert ook palmen. Na 45 mailtjes over die (f*cking) palmen met de hand weg te moeten pleuren had ik het volgende gevoel:

palmen

MEER SPAM!

Barbecue Monster Desk Eraser Water Rope Adult

Spass haben mit tollen Frauen 

Web Umbrella Baby Torch Nail Film Drill

 

Don’t you know that girls yearn for big schlongs?

Turn your small knob into a huge meat stick!

The volume of your male meat is absolutely essential!

KINDER

Kalt ist nicht warm

 

 

NOG MEER SPAM HUMOR (getekend) ECHTES QUALITAT! 

 

Supergrappige pics van andere spam onderwerpen vind je op Spamusement.com